This is what happened before Biology, the last paper of the seniors' finals.
I walked over to sit behind Tom, with my thick, dog-eared Biology textbook in hand. Like the good old days, I couldn't resist stealing a forbidden glance at him as he and our friends laughed hard at Kirby's joke. A smile played on my lips. I hoped that no one had caught the twinkle in my tunnel-black eyes.
"Hey, do we ever get to see you again?" I think it was Tasha who asked. I knew instantly that it was half-hearted, for Tasha and I had never been in good terms ever since I beat her towards the end of last year to top the class. We had several clashes, but somehow we were hypocritical enough to remain normal on the surface. Kirby, one of my closest friends in high school, knew anyway.
All eyes were on me, and the cafeteria, which had been filled with gales of cheers, genuine laughter and noisy conversations, was abruptly silent. "Uh... I guess no," I was honest and forthright with my answer. Tasha had probably been crossing her fingers for this. Good for me anyway, I'd never want to cross path with Tasha ever again. Good that God had disentangled my fate from hers.
"Really? There's no seeing Jo again?" Tom was looking at me directly. I always found it hard to concentrate on his features, for fear that I might give myself away. His look was nearly pleading, begging me not to turn on my heel and leave for good. It was impossible for my heart not to ache at the very moment. How could I refuse him?
"Yes, no seeing Jo... ever again." And I went back to my revision.
I had decided that it was best if I had a clean break, away from Tom. I'd decided on that more than a year ago, just two months after I acknowledged my feelings for him. But it'd taken me more than ten months to be able to muster up enough courage and sensibility to murder any hope between us. No one, even the least sane individual in my high school would ever expect us to end up together, much less harbor any romantic feelings towards each other. We were very good friends at times, but other times it simply felt as if he'd already told me he loved me and we were together. He'd seen it in my eyes, and I'd seen it in the hypnotic windows to his soul. Nonetheless, we were raised in two very different background, with contrasting ideologies and beliefs. He was an idealist, while I have always dealt with things pragmatically despite being a bit of a romantic. Both of our families would never accept us into their circle.
Kirby once said that I'm somehow too rational when it comes right down to romance. Love, she believed (guess she still believes), requires a certain amount of frenzy. Having been betrayed by trusted friends previously, I've long wised up. I am adamant that I should never submit myself entirely in a relationship, except when I'm with my dad, mom or Ivan because they'd never hurt me. I am sharply vigilant almost all the time. Because I couldn't bring myself to trust emotionally. I guess that's what makes me so very guarded.
"Stop building walls. Let me in," said Tom during one of the rare times when he'd let slip of himself. Intentionally or unintentionally. I was baffled when I first heard that, but I'd shrugged it off with some awkward laughs. I'd later figure out that he could never enter my world, for I'd never let him in. With any luck, I'd meet someone eligible in college with a perfect background. Let the right one in, that's the idea. With Tom, I'd learned on my own that being with someone so wrong would simply render both parties injured and unhappy.
Goodbye, my almost lover. Goodbye, my hopeless dream... sings A Fine Frenzy. No matter how deeply we'd loved one another, he'd always only be an almost lover I'd met during my climb to the summit. I'd long given up on this hopeless dream of mine. At times I'd miss him a little, and I think he'd miss me as well.
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For more, click on http://retropectionsandredemptions.blogspot.com/. Shall be writing more about this in near-future.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you, everyone, for pointing the messiness out. Actually, I was reading it over and over. Something just didn't feel right. =P
Anyway, I've started a new site, and I'll be writing some sort of memoir there. I promise it'll be more organized.
http://retropectionsandredemptions.blogspot.com/
Hello there.
I see that everyone pretty much said everything I had to say about this story.
First off, it's pretty good, but I can't stop myself from wanting more details. She's leaving, you made that very clear, but why? Where? Is she moving out? This is a detail you ought to mention, and I think it's a pretty big one. Another thing is the characters... You didn't really characterize any of them in there. We don't even know how the MC is, and the story is in first person POV. It's the same for Tom, which honestly I don't even know what he looks like, or how he
is... What the MC likes about him? So much questions unanswered...
I understand that it's only a short story, but my opinion is if you're going to write a story, might as well give us all the details we need to fully understand it. If you add to this story, I believe it would be close to perfect.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Hey Joanne,
it fits with her personality.
I hate to be the meanie but I had a problem with this peice. It felt a litte confusing at first, the more I read the more I could understand the situation. But I think it should be longer and more descriptive. You tell us this Tom guy is attractive but you don't show us. What color are the windows to his soul? Whats his hair like? His voice? You get the point.
The beginning is very very awkward. Try to work with that.
This story just needs more words, more explanations, and more substance. You have to make us love the MC. She is one of those practical types, which is pretty rare to be honest. That doesn't mean bad it just means more difficult to work with. It's hard for people less involved with logic and only following your head to sympathize with a character completely logic based. I need to know more about her, especially her weaknesses since she's narrating in first person.
In about the sixth paragraph it feels like you switch tenses from past to present. I would have to read it a few more times to be certain but I definately felt a shift somewhere in there. Also, phrases like "as well" "said Tom" and "for I'd never let him in" feel very formal and awkward when reading them. This is a girl in high school and practical or logic based or not she's not going to speak so formally, especially within her own thoughts. I think the analytical thoughts of herself are good and I would love to see more of that
Also, there needs to be more about their love story. We need to feel the strain between them as she's saying they won't be seeing eachother again. You can't just expect us to believe they had some deep love if we come in at a point in the story where she is leaving.
I would be careful about the whole "families not accepting them because of different backgrounds" it can get cliche. Now you mentioned this is a personal story so I can understand that may very well be the case but just be careful. Flesh out the detail, give us some background and description. Do their fathers not get along? Where their mothers rivals in high school?
Overall I dont' think it is a bad peice at all, theres lots of potential. It just needs more middle parts.
Love always!
Christine Lefevre
I really loved this piece!
It wasn't boring, it kept my attention the whole time! (Which is kinda hard to do. Lol) I loved the feel that I felt from the MC, a lot of high school kids could probably really relate to how she feels about this guy... One question I have though... How can she know that she loves him by looking into her eyes, when she has never really even looked at him? Shes only looked at him in quick glimpses... BUT! Anyaways... This was an amazing piece! I'd really love it if you wrote more to this! P.M. me if you ever do please?
Graciously yours,
Jalmoc
Thank you. =) It was actually something which did happen quite recently, right before I graduate from high school.
Hi! Oh my gosh, this is amazing...and heartbreaking
. God, I love the way you wrote it, it's beautiful.
Keep Writing!
Nike
P.S.- If You Write More, PM Me!